Thanks Hope Roberson for passing this along!
Rules for the Magic 8 Ball Meme:1. Post the button and link to Jaycee deLorenzo (following would be nice, but not required).
2. Share an excerpt from your current WIP, perhaps something you're struggling with, are stuck on, or just can't "get right."
3. Ask a question about your excerpt. It can be something easy such as "What do you think?" or something more in-depth, such as "Can you suggest a better way to word such-and-such," or "How can I make the emotions in this scene more realistic?"
4. Tag 8 people.
While most of my scenes take place in the living world, I have a few scenes involving Afterlife. Here is one, where my MC, Mia is trying to redesign her Afterlife to fit her shifting mood. Her Afterlife starts at her grandfather's lake house and transforms to a nighttime city scape. Does this scene make sense? Does it offer strong enough imagery? Is it too much? Too little? Any feedback you all have would be great!
When I closed my eyes, the image came, and the world around me started to transform. I descended my grandfather’s dock as Oshkosh, Wisconsin disappeared behind me. The greenish blue of the lake darkened to a shadowy black. Like a shade being drawn, violet then midnight crept into the horizon. I walked steadily towards my grandfather’s house as it scattered into tiny sand particles caught in a windstorm. All around me, polished skyscrapers with silver windows rose like conquering giants from grass that shriveled back into a concrete sidewalk. The enormous rumbling should have been deafening, but just as the day turns to night, the transition was silent. The only sound amidst the chaos was the chiming of a rope against a flagpole until the last remnant of my grandfather’s dock broke apart and disappeared. When my new world settled, I was standing on my nighttime rooftop.
And now....
*shake shake shake*
The Magic 8 Ball RANDOMLY selects...
Cristina dos Santos
Lexa Cain
J.A. Bennett
Morgan Shamy
Julie Dao
Julie DeGuia
Amanda Olivieri
Kyra Lennon
Some of you I know well - some of you I don't know at all! I hope all of you have fun!!
The Magic 8 Ball RANDOMLY selects...
Cristina dos Santos
Lexa Cain
J.A. Bennett
Morgan Shamy
Julie Dao
Julie DeGuia
Amanda Olivieri
Kyra Lennon
Some of you I know well - some of you I don't know at all! I hope all of you have fun!!
I think it's great. It gives me a good visual.
ReplyDeleteThe one confusing thing would be this...
She is descending the dock, which to me means going down towards the water. And the lake is changing.
But. Then she says she's walking towards her grandfather's house as it scatters into sand particles. But shouldn't her grandfather's house be behind her?
Ooh - good point Suzi! She's standing at the end of the dock...still descended might not be the best word choice. Thanks so much for the feedback!
DeleteThat is stunning! I started imagining something like Inception where world is one way on one side and turns inside out to the new way (that didn't make any sense did it?). Very cool!
ReplyDeleteThe only hang up I had was the rope chiming. I knew exactly what you were talking about, the metal clinking of the hook from the flag attaching to the rope, so I'm not sure you need to fix it at all, just something to think about :)
Your writing is beautiful!
I think it's beautiful - very vivid imagery!
ReplyDeleteYes. Excellent Imagery. And I agree with the first commentor but it was a great read.
ReplyDeleteShelly
http://secondhandshoesnovel.blogspot.com/
I think it's great! I agree with Suzi, but otherwise I loved it. :) Beautiful imagery.
ReplyDeleteHaha good thing I read the comments first, because I was going to write the EXACT same thing as Hope. I love the descriptions, but the rope chiming against the flagpole threw me off because I think of bells when I hear the word "chime." Is there another verb that can be used here? I really love your vivid imagery. "All around me, polished skyscrapers with silver windows rose like conquering giants from grass that shriveled back into a concrete sidewalk." <- YES
ReplyDeleteThank you so much ladies!! Maybe "clang" instead of "chime"?? I'll have to play with that one a bit. All great feedback! Thanks so much for your help!!
ReplyDeleteI think it provides great imagery!
ReplyDeleteThis is awesome. I think it's just some of the first few sentences that could use smoothing out.
ReplyDelete"I descended my grandfather’s dock as Oshkosh, Wisconsin disappeared behind me. The greenish blue of the lake darkened to a shadowy black. Like a shade being drawn, violet then midnight crept into the horizon."
I feel like there should be another word after descended.
And the last sentence: Like a shade being drawn, violet [I feel like there should be something here. A comma? The word AND? I think it's the use of a color and then a time of day that threw me. I think this could read a little smoother somehow.
But other that that, this is really beautiful and powerful. I wish I could write imagery this well!
Strong images! The only part I'm having trouble with is descending the dock (seemingly toward the lake) but still walking toward the grandfather's house. Is the house at the end of the dock? Possible, but unusual. And does one actually descend a dock? They usually stretch straight out into the water. (Chiming of rope has been covered). :-)
ReplyDeleteDefinitely places the reader clearly in BOTH settings with a smooth transition.
Great images! The dock line made me pause, too. Otherwise it was smooth sailing. :) Nice!
ReplyDelete